Not Into It.

I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm not being useful, I'm not helping at all. I'm sitting in the Complex Library writing blog posts because I don't feel like participating. That's bad. It's not that I'm tired, that I feel sick or upset or whatever (well, maybe a bit), it's not that I have anything better to do. I'm just not into it.
I'm not into large groups of girls. I like the GUTSy Girls concept, and I'm trying to be supportive, but I'm not interested in being in the thick of it. I feel bad that I'm not, but... I have no ownership of the project. I didn't see it start up, I haven't been involved in curriculum discussions or development, I haven't really been involved at all. Sometimes just jumping in is ok. It's how I learn most new things. Sink or swim. Apparently not this time.
I'm not into running an activity. It's too complicated in the wrong way. Not really, that's just my excuse for myself. I just don't feel like taking on that sort of responsibility. I don't want to force myself to try to be friendly.
There are too many people. How can I be nice and helpful and do what I'm supposed to if I'm freaking out because I'm surrounded by so many people depending on me?
I know I sound lame and lazy, so it boils down to just Not Into It.

Instead of being on the ground, I'd like to be... Not exactly behind the curtain, although that's a fine place too. But I'd really like to be dealing with more buerocratic issues. Finding funding, bringing in projects, dealing with political issues as they come up... And I'm doing that too.
So why am I here? With the GUTSy Girls workshop? Trying to will myself to go be useful?
Maybe I just don't feel like I owe them anything. Or like I'm not learning anything I want to learn. I want to know about what's going on, but not the details. I don't really care a whole lot about how it works, I care more about how I can use it to accomplish something else. How can I use it in a theoretical framework? Not How can I literally build on it?
The event part is fine. Getting everything set up, the technical sorting out, I actually enjoy that. Dealing with emergencies, fixing things, finding power supplies at the last second, it's a rush. It's fun, I'm good at it, and it makes me feel useful.
Maybe it's that circular problem. I don't feel useful, so I don't feel like getting involved. But I'm not involved, so I don't feel useful.

The big question is What am I going to do about it? I'm not sure yet. I'm not the best at talking to the people who I should talk to, and anyway I'm not going to depend on someone else to fix my problem.
Options: (and none of them is nearly as simple as I'm making it seem)
1. Keep pretending. Stay not-useful and pretedend I'm involved.
2. Abandon it. Not altogether, I don't think that would be smart even if I Could sever myself from it. Mostly, this would mean defining my affiliations. Stay friendly, but not part if the core group. I haven't been part of the core group for quite some time (and that jab still stings), so it's not that big of a deal. It just means I have to get my head and heart around it and stop trying so hard to be involved.
3. Get more involved. Bury myself in whatever I can, makemyseklf indispensable and take ownership of the project.
4. Continue as I have been, but with a better understanding of what my role is. I'm a volunteer of the complex, not an affiliate of GUTSy Girls. I will help set up, and will deal with building emergencies, but am not involved with curriculum, teaching, etc.